Troubled Thoughts

Sometimes, I wish I had someone who would listen to me with patience and understand what I am going through, what I am trying to say… But when someone says that, I am listening, share, I just go numb. And sometimes people take this as my excuse to attract attention and that I have nothing to say, that I am some pathetic attention seeker…

I have heard this so many times that NOW, even I doubt myself. But I am a human too, right? So, I can’t have it together all the time. I don’t really blame others, its me who is supposed to be blamed, it is always me…I just wish that all these things that I write about, I can speak out, with actual words.

I know I have wounds and they are stinging. And I know they are not imaginary, they are there but I don’t know how to let them out.

Sometimes, I sit alone and reflect on all those nagging thoughts bringing me down. Like now. A tear or two make their way down my cheeks but I wipe them as quickly as I can before anyone sees them. It has been quite a time since I have cried my eyes out without any fear or concern to be found in that state.

I am gonna be okay, I know that too. I want to be okay, so, I try to get back to normal as soon as I can. I just sometimes wish, I had that someone who would hug me and tell me to let it all out without any fear, who would make me feel like I also matter, no matter how clumsy, naive and dumb I can be, I still matter.

I guess I have to be that someone for myself, for now. 

– aak92

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Somethings are Better Left Alone…

People are getting tired of asking what’s wrong,

and

She is running out of nothings to tell.

 

In herself, she carries a fire,

A fire of words, of feelings,

of emotions, of stories.

 

Somethings, she will never be able to open up about.

Inside they burn her,

Outside they are nothing more than a wandering smoke.

 

How to fix this,

How to begin…or

Even from where…

– aak92

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The World of Numbness

Sometimes you feel a little down, not your usual self. Like the gloominess has engulfed you and drained you out of all the energy. Sometimes you feel…nothing. Sometimes you just shut down. That’s when you actually wake up!

When this feeling of numbness comes over you, you drop the acting, you allow your deep and sometimes dark feelings to overwhelm you. Even though you still keep your walls way up high, and your lips sealed, still you allow your mind to wander to places you haven’t visited in a while.

At that time, you enter your ‘self’, the one that you keep hidden or show only to few. All that is also a part of you, all that is also ‘you’.

You can’t just bag a part of you and lock it up forever, it tends to come to the surface from time to time. Don’t try to fight it, I know I have tried, it only depresses you more. Take a break, take a time alone or with your loved ones, however you feel at ease. Or like me, spend some time with a pen and a page. Let it out. Ease yourself. Try to connect with your ‘deep self’, so you can go back to your ‘normal self’ with a peace of mind.

– aak92

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Shattered Pieces

There are days when

She herself is shattered into million pieces

But if she gets the chance to tape someone’s pieces together

She takes it

 

When they walk away, happy

A smile appears on her face

Only to be washed away by the thought

Will there be someone for her

Someone who can take time to patch her up

 

Looking at her shattered pieces

And the high walls, she screens herself with

She laughs a little

Her door opens to all

But she ain’t gonna step in just about any body’s house

 

Afraid to put herself out in the world

She keeps her shattered pieces to herself

You can tell, she ain’t feeling ‘on the top of the world’

But her lips her sealed…

– aak92

ere

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